Love is a loosing game

I always said I think too much... My nature is to think so much. Although thinking is a pain. You shouldnt think so much, but if you are someone like me, you will find yourself thinking about everything and anything. So why do I think so much when I dont wanna think at all? I dont know... I just know I find myself crying over and over again. People say you can cry if you are hurt, happy... I am not either those and I keep crying. Not everyday but I find myself crying while listening to songs and I realize that before I used to say those lyrics or those situations do not happen to me or never  happened.. I find myself realising all I did say to myself was lies, lies and more lies... I am not weak saying I cry, If I cry is because I feel, and feeling is my assuranse I am still alive and not stone hearted. I dont know why I do feel like this when I have no excuse to cry. I am healthy, I have friends, I have a wonderful life, I am not poor, I am not rich, I am not alone, I am not with everybody... I see people in worst conditions, with every reason to cry and yet they are stronger than ever. I wont say I am weak, I will say I cry because I must be too sensitive... I simply love you. I find myself anscious to read you, I wont sleep if I know I have a chance to be with you. I will leave everything just to be with you, I am always thinking new ways to make you happy, I feel happy looking for stuff to make you smile.. I loose my hunger when I read something you say, I can feel like a cloud of butterflies in my belly, I can feel after like they get up to my throat wanting to leave, I can feel my heart beating so damn fast, my blood bumping, my chest freezing and my hands shaking just with a word of yours, and yet I believe if I spent more time with you I could even get many morr sensations. I dont lie when I say I never felt something like this. When I had loved before, all the sensations were spetacular, I was very happy and I will never forget what I lived before. I was always looking for love because I wanted to experience those things again, and now I felt just in some hours more than in 3 years of dating. I never wanted so much to listen any word from someone like I wanted to listen from you. Some people might never understand this, I dont even understand as well, but I feel happy for feeling it. However, why should I feel this way when I know you will not feel the same? The time passes by and everything stays the same. There is no evolution... All I see is myself getting jealous everyday for everything you do. I was like this before, but I was controled by. I was asured everyday I was the most important thing for him, every single day. I always felt jealous, but I could see on the eyes that It wouldnt matter because in the end of the day, I was the first and the only one that matters in the line. But now I see the line bigger and bigger, and I have no hand on me, saying I am the first in line, I am the one that matters... I feel just like another one in the crowd, not competing because it seems there is no fight to fight for. Every single day, I feel that It was never a battle for love, and that I might have been the only one that thought or thinks much about it. Everyome is diffrent on showing their feelings, but everyome is the same when they look someome fading away, and I realised you were always fading away, and never to stay. Not for choice, but for will... Distance is a big shit, but worst is the giving up upoun it. I always had a distance in my life, it feels like everytime I look for something, there is a distance. But they taught me that if there is will, distance are just miles that keep someone apart. I remember one of my happiest times of my life, I had distance but it wouldnt matter because I was special, I was important, I was worth fighting for. Now I realise I might not be that for you at least, or maybe I think life is still a fairytale and I am slowly waking up about it. I am not complaining, but if I was important I wouldnt be hours but I would be a day. I wouldnt be left for last, and knowing that you wouldnt catch me so soon, I should have been a priority. I am happy that I was hours, better than minutes. I cant ask the same I would do, or should I? The much I think, the worst I feel because all the pieces get together, and nothing from you comes in my way stopping it. There are  lighty eyes in everything, all I think that are for me, because I am special, are the same as for everyone. I feel that I share many things, but guess again, you prove me wrong. When I find your eyes I find the same eyes I asked for love on the same way for anyone to see. I wont say I am a saint, I did many things wrong, but I always asked for your forgiveness because loosing you was worst than get shot. But guess again, maybe I wouldnt need to do it, because small things are worst than big things. Now I wonder, what's happening? It is just bullshit about the "boring" thing. I know, you know , we all know it. You are fuckin' around all the time, and dont come with the "will" crap. I am done playing games... I remember some people, yes some people, saying "Oh, you want be committed now". Again It is just bullshit. My age people are engaged, married, With children, so, I wont allow any one to tell me that. And even if that was true, it doesmt mean I dont feel or care... You might wondering why I didnt say " I love you"... I am starting to believe that it was faith that made me not saying so, so that I wouldnt cry even more when I am giving myself to you. You know I want you, you know you were my everything... I never felt more protected like I did when I was laying on your side, and now is it just a memory? Is it just another card for my deck of people that dump me indirectly? I was so self confident, I had who I ever wanted, and now that I want to share my true love I get fooled by life and by this? I cry, because everytime I cry, my silly heart expell a bit of love for you, so my heart wont be afool anymore. l hope that you catch me because I am falling, but again, I am just ricardo, someone, a foreigner, a silly, a fool.. You put your arms around me and I felt home, but I cannot find it anymore because you think you can fly. And I see youraelf flying everytime ai look for you. I tried my best to show, to give myself to you, and I cannot find you again. I cry because I thought I had just found a path on the mountains, where I thought I was lost. I just realiased I am delusional, and every step I made was just a mirage. I never had you, I nevwr hold you... When did I start to be such a hypocrate? It is all my fault that I keep crying, because It was my will to find a journey in the mountain.. Now I realise I should have never wanted this.. I dont regreat, I will never forget this and my life was sweet as cinammon. But it is time for me to face reality, to let you go, even knowing I never had you. I cry because I am a fool in love, I cry because every tear will shed my feelings in the earth... I dont need any support, I dont need a hug, I just needed that you were just like me. But again, I cannot ask for anything. I cannot ask you to love me, I cannot ask you to want me, I cannot ask you anything. I hope at least, that you realise you will NEVER find someone like me. You wont find so easily someone that will probably put aside his life for you. I will make sure I will keep my distance, I say I love you and I feel you are not listenning. Why am I crying when I know you have not even shed a tear for me. I kept waiting for you to take me, you kept waiting but not for me. I wilk make sure I will leave your path and let you to be happy! How long did I have to wair to call this love when nothing changes... I was a party boy, I didnt feel the love, I didnt feel nothing, and now that I feel every heaet beating i realise I juat cry myself to sleep, I am ashamed, I am a low hanging fruit... I know things will change, But I wanna let you know I am letting your way clean, You can go be happy with whom you wish you want. I am fine. I will keep crying till there wil not be any tear left and my love will die slowly this way. I will be laughing about this later and realise this is juast a big lesson that life gave me, or the bigge mistake I ever done (In writting this). I will cry myself untill there is notning else to cry for. I hope now you can feel free to leave anywhere you want and be with who ever you want!